Author Pandora Wnag; Yuxi Edited
As an ENFP with an emotional intelligence index of 80%, I always feel that this damn world is too unfair to me. But I find myself falling in love with this world again after an hour or two, maybe because of something small, like a string of candied hawthorns or a beautiful picture. I thought these pains would be eaten away by that string of candied hawthorns, digested and never mentioned again. However, the truth is, on many nights afterward, I would think about these things countless times and feel sad. Pain is pain, and even if it heals, it leaves a scar.
But hey, my empathy level is 97.75%. What does that mean? I can tell whether a dog on the roadside is happy or not. I feel sad when I encounter begging elderly people on the street, thinking that there's too much suffering in this damn world. Then, I mentally punch myself for not being able to change the situation, feeling like I've thought too much and empathized too excessively. It's not a good thing, at least not in dealing with people. I contemplate my actions, words, ensuring not to harm others unless I know it will hurt you, but I say it anyway because I find you disagreeable. However, it's too painful. Who understands? Knowing that others are unhappy, knowing that others suffer, but being unable to do anything, surrounded by a sense of powerlessness. I won't say anything comforting, and I won't believe things will get better, even if I used to genuinely believe it.
I play the role of a hero day by day, smiling with my big, silly grin, pure and the kind of person who, even when betrayed, still thinks you're exceptionally good. Lyc always tells me to read more books, saying the world is treacherous. Who would believe that I am an ordinary high school girl, highly sensitive and not very confident? There are fewer than three people in the whole world who know my complete story. Many people say that I wear my emotions on my face, but what emotions am I showing on my face? I don't understand chemistry, scored 22 in physics, and was shocked by the words of people whose values didn't align with mine. It's often these emotions that are written on my face. Still, this is just the tip of the iceberg. No one who wears their emotions on their face has more than two hundred notes of negative emotions locked in their phone. I have been hurt many, many times. It's the kind of hurt where I reveal everything unpleasant about myself to you, and after you listen, you drop me and run away. The downpour in my world never stops; it's continuous or worse, overlapping. It's like my name, Fei. The rain and snow keep falling, relentless.
I am notorious for being unlucky. Some even say there's a famous saying that no one is unlucky all the time, but WYF is. I have reflected on myself, but I think that in 2016, I did good deeds and accumulated virtue, so I don't deserve this. Unfortunately, I feel that I am destined for bad luck. Who would make a mistake on a physical education project during the middle school entrance exam? Who would forever believe in someone who let them down? Who would be continually betrayed? Who would be dealt a fatal blow just when they felt they were finally starting to be happy? Who would be unable to find out who knocked over their camera on a tripod? It's always the same person—never meeting the right one. I often feel that life is meant to be bitter before it gets sweet. So, every year on my birthday, I look forward to the possibility that, maybe in the new year, my luck will change. What if? What if? There is no "what if." Until a friend asked me, "Have you ever tasted bitterness followed by sweetness when drinking Chinese medicine?" Too philosophical. So, I resigned myself. Misfortune is the keynote of my life, and I make the most of it. I really like a saying from a blogger: "I don't ask God to bless me. If you're capable, stab me. But don't keep stabbing me, or I'll really die."